#Unexpected Unfaithfulness:
While growing up, my family and my church defined
my values in all things, including affair. "'Till death do us part" meant a lifelong commitment;
Getting another lady was not an option; adultery ranked among
the biggest and baddest of sins.
I never planned on having an affair. Even a couple months before it happened, if you had told me I
would be involved with another woman, I would have sincerely denied the possibility.
But when the conditions were just right, every conviction flew out
the window.
Several months afterward, a man sat across a table from me and exclaimed in no uncertain terms, "I
might be guilty of a lot of things, but that is one thing I could never do." It may have sounded like conviction, but I sadly recognized a proud naivete
that I had once possessed. Even now, looking back on all that occurred, I am amazed at how easy it was to compromised long-held standards and move into an affair.
#A Vulnerable Relationship
When I met Annabella on social network, I was instantly attracted. Other men were, too, and so I spent the next one month winning her love. Despite been far away from selfs...
I really wish to marry her soon as I could be capable of building a house or getting a better apartment.
Did I love her then? Yes, as much as a 21 year old is capable of loving.
After 2 months, our relationship settled into a typical routine. It wasn't
wonderful, but it wasn't bad, either, and we witnessed enough unhappy relationships to know
ours was better than most.
We both wanted something better. Periodically, we would make a special effort to heat things up:
Chat when necessary, make calls when I got enough call card and sorts.
These sparks would temporarily warm the fire, but we inevitably settled back into the more common warmness of the relationship.
For the most part, I simply accepted the fact that things would probably never get better than this.
In some ways, it was enough.
We knew what to expect from
each other. With adaptive behavior that seemed common.
We learned how to maintain our relationship, but in the deepest part of
me, I wasn't satisfied.
This disappointment alone wasn't enough to lead me into an affair, but I think it at least set the stage for
what would eventually be played out. What happens when love begins to lose its heart? When feelings
diminish and duty has to constantly pick up the slack?
#The Right Conditions
An affair requires two things: opportunity and
willingness.
During my first 12 years of affair,
there were opportunities, but not the willingness to act.
That doesn't mean I was void of curiosity or desire.
Disappointment with my affair sometimes led
me to wonder what it might be like to be with someone else. But thoughts never turned into action because I valued faithfulness, feared the
consequences of infidelity, and didn't want to face the disapproval of others, including God.
One thought-without-action episode occurred while I was away attending a seminar in one of the gospel church in lagos.
On the first day, I met a woman, attractive in both appearance and behavior, who apparently enjoyed my company and occasionally sought me out during the rest of the week.
No improper word was spoken;
no inappropriate action made; but I had no doubt she would have shared a night with me if I had hinted at the desire to do so.
At the end of the seminar she slipped me her address, asked me
to come visit her, and hugged me good-bye.
I visited her .. It was "victory" that gave me a false sense of invulnerability.
But although I never acted on the temptation, I did think about it.
Even months after that event, when feeling distant from my girlfriend, I
wondered what it would have been like to spend a night in the other woman's arms.
That's as far as my unfaithfulness would have gone,i think.
If everything in my life had just remained steady and predictable but it didn't.
The talents explode, people start loving me, my success boomed, everything really changed for good.
Although I somehow managed to keep my head straight,
I felt like a hollow man performing tricks.
During this period, I relocated to another area where I met TONIA.
Tonia, a secretary who decided to have a race with me from another office, joined me on the task. The time was ripe for an affair. I had the opportunity: working with tonia nearly every day,
often alone.
And I finally had willingness: ready to
explore a relationship that would make me feel appreciated and loved. But no, I paused and think, she was only addicted to music and already we had a tag with a stage name (DALTON) if I had sex with her in any way, it might make a crack to my reputation.
#The Other Woman
"Why her? What does she have that I don't have?"
Those were the questions my unseen girlfriend would eventually
ask me—questions I've heard repeated by many betrayed spouses.
What was it about tonia that made it easy to develop a relationship that led to an deep closeness? Initially,
I was most attracted to those qualities in her that were, in my opinion, lacking in my unseen girlfriend.
When I became disappointed in my relationship, I found it easy to focus on Annabella's inadequacies.
I realize now that she still possessed all the qualities I had originally loved, but the months of familiarity had
made it easier for me to focus on our
differences...on the ways we failed to connect with each other. Of course, once I was convinced of
these areas of incompatibility, I was also carried away and tempted, pay
more attention when I observed other women who seemed to be free from these flaws.
It wasn't about physical beauty. Tonia was cute, but I think many would have considered my girlfriend better looking. No, it was her confidence, professionalism, articulation, and life goals: these were the things
that drew me to her.
This attraction alone, however, would not have been
enough for me to open the door to an affair.
Her admiration accomplished that. I wanted approval. I wanted to be valued, appreciated during this discouraging time in my life.. But we had nothing going on between us.
It was a strong desire to hear someone tell me they believed
in me, and much more they say (dave, are you sure you aint f*cking this girl)
Whatever the reasons, that kind of
affirmation didn't come from home.
But it came from tonia.
Tonia often complimented me on my work and abilities, she supports me in everything.
These remarks were genuine and, at first, probably innocent.
We talked and joked and laughed and shared stories about our lives.
We visited the studios, sing song and perform in clubs and hotels.
Sometimes she sleeps on my laps when she feels dizzy.
I began to think of tonia as
someone who naturally connected with me—a soul mate.
I started finding reasons to spend more time with her and thought about her constantly.
I felt alive and hopeful.
Even at this point, I can think of a number of events that could have intervened and kept me from
having an affair. But I didn't want to be stopped, so I kept everything secret. Even my closest friends didn't know where I was headed.
#Crossing the Line
Some might argue that my relationship with tonia became an affair the moment I responded to her
with private thoughts or feelings that should have been reserved for my girlfriend, while I understand the
selfish and destructive nature of this kind of thinking
(my growing preoccupation with tonia was inconsistent with the promises I'd made to my girlfriend),
I also believe there is a distinct difference between thoughts of infidelity and an act of infidelity
(whether or not that act involves sex). While the former often leads to the latter, they are not the
same. My thoughts about tonia were pushing me closer to an act, but I had not yet crossed the line.
I could see the line, though. For me, the line was that moment when I would, in some way, declare
my feelings to tonia. It could have been with a look, or a touch, or a word—anything that let her know I
was interested in moving our relationship beyond friendship and mere partners.
Stopping anywhere short of that line
would have avoided the various consequences that were bound to occur once I stepped over.
But I was drawn to the line. At first, I really didn't
want to cross it; I simply wanted to get as close as I could, right up to the edge, to see what the other
side looked like. My guess was that tonia was willing to step over with me, but I wasn't sure. What if she didn't feel the same? What if she was appalled by any suggestion that we be something more than
friends? What if she told her fiancee (or my girlfriend) that I made a pass at her? though they've never met.
I learned something about standing close to the line:
I couldn't stay there forever. I either had to back way up, or take a step. The tension was too great to
just do nothing, so I decided to risk placing my foot on the other side.
Of course, I opted for plausible denial. If she took offense at what I said, I wanted to be able to claim
innocence. And so, one afternoon as we sat alone in
an office, I confessed to her, "If we weren't careful, this relationship could go farther than it should."
She paused, flushed, looked at me, and mumbled something about us needing to be careful about
making any regrettable mistakes. She left for the afternoon.
There we were, standing together on the other side of the line. I had some vague sense of the looming
consequences, but I didn't care. At that moment, I wanted nothing else besides experiencing this budding romance.
#Sex
In 3months of relationship, I had never cheated on Annabella. But once I opened the door to a romantic
relationship with tonia, I knew things were likely to change.
At first, we made weak, insincere attempts at setting physical boundaries. We tried fooling
ourselves into thinking we could enjoy the thrill of our emotional connection without letting it become
physical. Even a kiss, we said, would make us feel too guilty. I quickly learned, however, that passion
has a way of shoving guilt aside.
Tonia and I made arrangements to work together in the music industry till we separate.
We knew we would be alone in the building and although we never voiced our intent, we both knew
what was likely to happen. We wanted it to happen.
I always thought that if I ever had sex with another women, I would be immediately crushed by guilt. I
wasn't. Any guilt I should have felt was overcome by the pleasure of that intimate moment and by my
desire to be with tonia...
THIS IS THE STORY OF MY AFFAIR
DAVE LINUS JNR
Twitter - @davelinus1
BBM - pin:2A051B14
u b foul
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